I have very bad memories of the dentists. I don't believe many people have positive memories, but mine go beyond dentists being careless. I once became so anxious and stressed about getting my teeth cleaned that I threw up...while getting my teeth cleaned...all over myself....and the lady cleaning my teeth. Served her right!
Today I went to get my teeth cleaned. Due to my anxiety over dentist appointments I had done little to arrange one for quite some time, but at the constant request of my wife I submitted. I had done well to forget about my appointment until the reminder call came on Monday.
I didn't have to wait long, shortly after sitting in the waiting area a large portly woman swung the door open and called my name. She was a dead ringer for Cathy Bates, "Misery" Cathy Bates not "Failure to Launch" Cathy Bates, only she was from Eastern Europe. her name was Eliana.
I saw "Misery" when I was a kid. My brother had rented it, and I watched it for some reason and I have since realized no child should have to see and try to make sense of a man getting his ankles broken with a sledge hammer. (Thanks Bro for looking out for me) Cathy Bates is freaking nuts! So you can understand my concern when I discovered she was my dentist.
She chatted me up as she was getting all of her instrumentation in order. She took the time to explain a few new instruments that I had never seen before, which began to put me at ease with her. As she cleaned my teeth she gradually turned into a gentle person who I trusted and felt completely comfortable with. She was telling me everything that she was doing, even though I couldn't talk back, or even understand her through her accent and mask at times.
She even apologized for getting a little rough and stabbing my gums causing them to bleed. I can't beign to tell you how many times a dentist has stabbed my gums and then exclaimed,
"Oh looks like you're bleeding there champ. You really should take better care of your gums."
If I stabbed them in the leg and they began to bleed would the logical thing to say be,
"Looks like you've got a pretty poorly maintained leg there pal. You should work on toughening that guy up a bit."
NO! It wouldn't, because that would be an unbelievably stupid thing to say; but I digress.
Eliana was just getting ready to do the final setp of my cleaning. When I heard her stomach grumble a bit. I didn't think much of it, if anything I was impressed by her focus, it didn't even phase her.
Shortly thereafter I heard what I initially thought to sound of someone passing wind. Though when it happened she showed zero signs of aknowledgement and after worrying about it for a few seconds I decided that it must have been the chair. Shortly after I heard it again, and felt that my final conclusion had been correct, that it was the chair.
Then it hit. It was faint at first, not too strong, but noticeable. I knew it was only going to get worse so I began to breath through my mouth. I watched her eyes for any kind of admission of guilt; nothing.
She was so nice and I had become so comfortable with her, and aparently her with me, that I tried not to make a big deal about it and continued to breath through my mouth for the next 5 minutes. Then it all went wrong; horribly, horribly, wrong!
"Could you please breath through your nose? You are fogging up my mirror." She asked politely.
I hesitated. I was terrified! All in a second I contemplated the consequences of non-compliance. Maybe she gets a little careless with the instrument cause she can't see? That is something I could live with. I even thought of telling her that my nose was stuffed up, but to really sell that I would have to change my voice; something that would have required a plan that went into action before I first spoke to her.
I slightly nodded my head and exhaled through my nose. Upon retreiving more air it became very clear that over the past 5 minutes she had not ceased in her flatulence and the overwhelming power of which this stentch had taken over the room was unbearable. If you lit a match in that room we would both be gonners.
One of the more impressive/distrurbing parts of this entire experience was that she didn't even flinch. She had no idea what she was doing to me, as far as she was concerned her gaseous expels smelled like a bed of roses. I'm sure all she smelled was that strong "medical" fumes from the mask that she wore.
Secondly, and even more impressive/distrurbing was that it wasn't even close to being the worst trip to the dentist. Not even top 5!
This is how bad going to the dentist has been for me!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Losing Streak
My wife and I have been attending a young marrieds group for whats has almost been a year now. The leader of our group is a very competitive man (we'll call him J. I don't like to use names in the blog unless they are family). There is nothing wrong with this, I feel too often competitive becomes synonymous with jerk, but it is not the case with J. J is about 6'4" built on a solid frame. I play basketball with him every Tuesday and he is what physics refers to as an "immovable object".
A few weeks back we went bowling with him and his wife, T, as well as some other couples from our group. T is a thin unimposing relaxed woman, who appears extremely fragile. She is Wilma to J's Fred.
At first glance T doesn't appear to be competitive, she doesn't both to take such trivial things such as bowling so seriously. However she does in this case because J has never beaten her in a game of bowling and the frustration that this causes J has heightened its importance to her.
On this particular night J was winning going into the 8th frame on two games and ended up losing both games, and to my knowledge remains winless against his wife.
Another married couple who we have been friends with for some time was telling us about their competitions. He wins most, but there is one or two competitions where the husband has a significantly lower wining percentage this his counterpart. Their example was her ability to determine whodunit when watching NCIS. Apparently it drives him crazy.
I am beginning to feel that most marriages have something like this. A partner who dominates most of the competitions, but has that one thing they can not break through on. My wife is in no way a competitive person, but I for the life of me, am completely incapable of defeating my wife in Rock Paper Scissors! Of the hundreds of rounds of Rock Paper Scissors we have played I can count the number of victories I have on one hand. I can't even manage to win a best of three series.
The defeat wouldn't be so embarrassing, there are tons of husbands who have something that their wives can beat them at. But with J, it is because T is more graceful, and more adapt for a game like bowling, she is just flat out better. With our other friends, she is more attentive while watching TV and is in tune with storylines and clues.
What makes my inability to win at Rock Paper Scissor so shameful is the completel lack of skill required to win. Mathematical laws state that I should have one at least 10 best of three series by now, let alone a better record than 5 for 247. That is a .018 winning percentage. I can get better odds in Vegas!
I have concluded one fo two things. Either my wife is the greatest Rock Paper Scissors player to ever play the game, or I am the worst.
A few weeks back we went bowling with him and his wife, T, as well as some other couples from our group. T is a thin unimposing relaxed woman, who appears extremely fragile. She is Wilma to J's Fred.
At first glance T doesn't appear to be competitive, she doesn't both to take such trivial things such as bowling so seriously. However she does in this case because J has never beaten her in a game of bowling and the frustration that this causes J has heightened its importance to her.
On this particular night J was winning going into the 8th frame on two games and ended up losing both games, and to my knowledge remains winless against his wife.
Another married couple who we have been friends with for some time was telling us about their competitions. He wins most, but there is one or two competitions where the husband has a significantly lower wining percentage this his counterpart. Their example was her ability to determine whodunit when watching NCIS. Apparently it drives him crazy.
I am beginning to feel that most marriages have something like this. A partner who dominates most of the competitions, but has that one thing they can not break through on. My wife is in no way a competitive person, but I for the life of me, am completely incapable of defeating my wife in Rock Paper Scissors! Of the hundreds of rounds of Rock Paper Scissors we have played I can count the number of victories I have on one hand. I can't even manage to win a best of three series.
The defeat wouldn't be so embarrassing, there are tons of husbands who have something that their wives can beat them at. But with J, it is because T is more graceful, and more adapt for a game like bowling, she is just flat out better. With our other friends, she is more attentive while watching TV and is in tune with storylines and clues.
What makes my inability to win at Rock Paper Scissor so shameful is the completel lack of skill required to win. Mathematical laws state that I should have one at least 10 best of three series by now, let alone a better record than 5 for 247. That is a .018 winning percentage. I can get better odds in Vegas!
I have concluded one fo two things. Either my wife is the greatest Rock Paper Scissors player to ever play the game, or I am the worst.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Cliche Election Post
I know it is terribly terribly cliche to write a blog post about the elections. So cliche in fact I just threw up in my mouth a bit. However I can't help but share with some of you my feelings about what democratic elections have become in my eyes.
It feels to me that everyone becomes so judgmental, and on edge; like they are waiting for someone to disagree with them so they can hate them.
For two years at a time we can get along, but as soon as elections roll along we become completely incapable of looking past our differences. It is so ridiculously pathetic how incredibly petty human beings can be. This is why I hate elctions, they are so depressing because for two or more weeks I bare witness to the true depths of the human race's (American's in particular) shallowness.
It feels to me that everyone becomes so judgmental, and on edge; like they are waiting for someone to disagree with them so they can hate them.
For two years at a time we can get along, but as soon as elections roll along we become completely incapable of looking past our differences. It is so ridiculously pathetic how incredibly petty human beings can be. This is why I hate elctions, they are so depressing because for two or more weeks I bare witness to the true depths of the human race's (American's in particular) shallowness.
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